Tales from St Hilda's - part 3

By Diana the Valkyrie

The Sisters recruit a techie

"Come on, Sisters, we'll be late for Compline", said Sister Amanda. "Not to mention refectory", I pointed out. Nora let go of the kid, who promptly fell off her lap onto the floor, and we stood up to leave. So we left the kid grovelling on the floor in his underpants and started the eight mile trek back to the convent. When we reached the edge of town, we pulled up our skirts and broke into a jog; if you're late for refectory, all the best stuff is already eaten. We got back to the convent in about an hour, and a bit puffed out, but we made refectory with five minutes to spare.

Compline was "In Nativitate Domini - In Epiphania Domini", which is not one of his best, but you can work up a good lather to it, and I was doing cardio on the stationary bike, and I wondered if I could persuade the Mater to splash out on bicycles for us, since we'd probably be making the trip to town rather a lot. Bikes would shorten the journey considerably, especially for Sister "Thunderthighs" Amanda. Amanda's main problem would be using too much force and breaking the pedals; she kept doing that on the chapel equipment. Nora wouldn't have that problem, but the handlebars would bend in her grip, she had to use double thickness weight bars so that we wouldn't have to keep on straightening them. Oh well, worry about that later. After Compline, I changed into my posh habit and went to see Mater, to bring her up to speed.

I knocked, she bade me enter, and I glided in. She nodded to a chair, and I sat. "Well?" I brought her up to date, explaining that we'd hired a techie "Salary?" "Unpaid, he volunteered after Sister Nora gave him a bit of a cuddle". Mother Mary Rose grinned approvingly. "Mother Mary, we'll be travelling down to town a lot for this, and if we spent two hours journeying each way, that's going to cut into prayer time. I'd like permission to buy bicycles for us, like the stationary bikes in chapel, but with wheels" I put it that way to show that it wasn't really much different from what we already had, so the precedent was there. Mother Mary said "No objection in principle, but couldn't we find someone to donate them?" "Yes, of course I'll try that first." "Well, Sister Diana, you seem to have made good progress on this, I'm very pleased with you. Well done!" I glowed. It isn't every day you get praise from the Mater. So I hit her with the Big One. "The Mundane world works on a different time to ours, they rise several hours later, and go to sleep several hours later. I think we need to move at least part way to their schedules, at least while I'm setting this up. Otherwise they aren't around when we are."

The Mother Superior looked a bit doubtful about this. "We can't change the convent Rules just for your convenience, Sister Diana." "No, I meant just for myself, Sister Nora and Sister Amanda. And anyone else who we need to recruit in to help. The Mundanes usually rise at about seven or eight am, I'd just like us to move halfway to that. They reckon that 3am is a late time to go to bed, not the time to rise." "Well, they're wrong. But I can see the necessity, so yes, I'll give you a dispensation to miss Matins." "Thank you, Mother Superior".

As I left Mater's office, I was practically skipping down the cloisters. Nora and Mandy were waiting for me in my cell, and so was a third woman, Novice Evadne. She was kneeling on the floor, looking up at Nora and Mandy. You could see from the rather smooth nineteen inch arms that she had to be a novice. I guessed she'd only been on the special St Hilda's herb mix for a couple of years, but she was doing well, and I thought that in a few years time, she'd be showing off 24 inch monsters. Maybe not at Nora's level, but good enough. I looked a question at Nora and Mandy. Mandy spoke up. "Vads, tell Sister Diana what you told us"

"Before I entered the Novitiate, I worked in an office. We used computers." Oho! We have our very own expert! That's very good, it means I won't have to rely on the kid as much. External consultants are fine and dandy, buy you can't beat having your own in-house expert. And even though she only had 19-inchers, she looked submissive and cute, a combination that goes a long way on a St Hilda's nun. Because the combination of looking submissive while crushing a man into powder is devastating.

Nora had a concern. "Di, we're used to working out eight hours each day. Matins, Laud, Prime, Terce, Sext, Nones, Vespers and Compline. If we leave out Matins, we'll only be doing seven hours each day. I worked hard for these 26 inches, and I don't want to start losing mass." Mandy nodded, and slapped her thighs. "Sisters, we have to be prepared to make sacrifices for the common good. If we can't get the income that the convent needs, it won't be down to seven hours of weights each day, it'll be none. We've been given this duty by Mother Mary Rose, and we have to see it through." "Maybe if we upped the dose of Septadecaherbis?" said Mandy. "Good thinking, Mand!" I said. "I'll get the refectory to double our doses, that ought to make up for losing an hour of weights." "More than make up" said Vads. "Shut up Vads", said Mandy and Nora in chorus. She was right, but if the extra Septadecaherbis led to a bit more muscle mass, we wouldn't exactly be complaining, would we? I looked at Nora, and I could see she was looking at her arms and wondering what 28 would look like. Ah vanity, thy name is Sister.

Next day, I got up at a distinctly more civilised hour. Sure, it was still a couple of hours before sparrows do what sparrows are claimed to do at that time of day (I've never heard a sparrow break wind so I can't comment) but at least it wasn't 3am. So we skipped Matins, and went straight to Lauds, with the idea of getting out of the convent just after Nones, and not getting back till Vespers. That gave us four clear hours to get things accomplished, and I had ideas for bumping that up further.

So we trekked down to Borchester again. I sent Nora and Mandy to acquire bicycles as per Mater's dispensation, while Vads and I tackled the Ferret and Firkin to get the kid into action. Trouble is, he wasn't there.

"Mike, come here." Mike came. "Now, Di, I don't want no trouble here." "Trouble, Mike?" I asked innocently. "What sort of trouble?" "You know, Di." "Did you go to confession last Sunday?" "Er, er ..." "Mike, you can try to lie to me, but God knows what's in your dark and sinful soul. Now you confess right now, or if you died right now you'd go straight to hell." "I'm not planning on dying any time soon." I put my elbow on the bar, and leaned towards him. "Mike, you never know when God might want you for a sunbeam. Where does that kid live?"

He gulped. He obviously didn't like the thought of playing any part in a little visit from the Holy Sisters, but on the other hand, anything bad would be happening to someone else, whereas I was right there in front of him, offering my blessing. Then Novice Evadne strolled up, knelt on the floor, clasped her hands as if in prayer, looked up at him submissively, saying "Please?" Fear and lust won over loyalty, and he confessed the address. "See? Don't you feel better now." Mike continued to look at the Novice. "Ego te absolvo", I said, "Come on Vads."

We wasted no time in getting round to the address Mike had given us, and I wasted no time knocking on the door. Not many doors are a match for three hundred pounds of St Hilda's Sister; I just walked straight through it, Vads behind me. The kid was there, sitting in front of his computer; he heard the noise of his door breaking, and turned. "Hi, kid" I said. The look on his face was something you'd want Michelangelo to paint. He stood up. "Sit down, kid". He sat down. Looks like Nora's training had already taken.

I sat on his bed; Vads knelt on the floor and looked up at us. I thought she was overdoing the submissive bit, but I guess you have to make allowance for Novices. The kid looked at Vads like he'd never seen a Novice before. Maybe he hadn't, at that. We don't usually allow Novices out into the Mundane world. Then I looked more carefully; the kid had that stricken look, like you see just after a fist smashes into a man's belly, and I realised - the kid was in lust. Well, you can't blame him. Vads was young, very pretty, and although her arms weren't bad for a novice, she didn't have that rock-hard, ripped and chiselled look that someone like Nora gets. Hey, that's a bonus. He'll bust his braces trying to impress Vads, Vads will keep saying "Yes and what else", and one volunteer is worth ten pressed men, even when you press them as hard as only a St Hilda's Sister can.

Hmm. Maybe a slight change of plan. "OK, here's the gen. Kid, you'll start right now making the dotcom. Vads, you'll stay here, giving him guidance." She didn't even twitch, although this was way off what she was expecting. And the kid looked like Christmas just came early. I blessed the vows of obedience, and continued. "I want a progress report each day, plus I'll run by from time to time to check on progress, and if you have any problems, well, my door's always open." I've heard the Mater say that, even though her door's always closed and it's more than your surplice is worth to interrupt her. For me, it was even more daft; my cell didn't actually have a door; you don't rate a door until you're a lot more senior that me. "Any questions?" Vads had one. "Where do I sleep?" "Right here, Novice Evadne. Right here. You're on the job full time as of now." "But, but what about my vows of chastity?" I glanced at the kid, he looked like someone just told him Santa was missing out his house this year. "Vads, if this kid tries any move on you, just rip off one of his arms and beat him over the head with it." She probably could too; her arms were about twice the size of his, on account of he had these nine inch matchsticks. She nodded, smiled, and said "Don't worry, Bertie, I won't hurt you." Oho. Bertie, is it? I better keep a close eye on these two.

I left here there to sort him out, and bustled back to the Ferret and Firkin. Nora and Mandy were already there. "Got the bikes, Sisters?" Sister Nora looked at Sister Amanda. "Er, sort of." "Sort of?" "Come see."

They had two wheels and handlebars. But they weren't bikes. "Scooters?" I yelled. "You got scooters?" "Calm down, Di" said Nora. "This is the best we could do. We couldn't talk him into bikes, but he let us borrow these scooters, they'll move us around faster than walking, and nearly as good as bikes." "Did you offer him an Indulgence?" "Sure, but the convent's already sold so many Indulgences, the prices are really down now." "Did you threaten his Immortal Soul?" "Yes, Di, hell and damnation, the whole nine yards, he's heard it all so many times before it doesn't work any more." I looked at the scooters. I looked at the two massive Sisters of St Hildas, tried to imagine them scooting along, and started to giggle. That set Mandy off, and then Nora saw the funny side, and we were all three helpless with laughter. "Come on, Sisters. Vespers". And we unfolded our tiny aluminium scooters, and scooted down the street, trying to look stately, dignified, and, well, nunnish. And trying not to giggle.