Diana the Valkyrie - statistics

You can email me at Valkyrie@TheValkyrie.com

Or leave a message for me at Diana the Valkyrie's message board

She's 5-5, 185 pounds, blonde hair, grey eyes. She's tough, smart, confident and a deadly warrior.

She's expert with her six foot Damascus steel broadsword BloodLust, and deadly with her small dagger Cat's Claw and her large fighting knife Castrator. She carries her Castrator in a holster at her right hip, and she keeps it *very* sharp. Why does she call it Castrator? Valkyries have a great sense of humour. She always carries the dagger; she's got some amazing places she hides it. She wears a five metre long bullwhip round her waist; the handle dangling from her hip was made from the bull's most precious part. No-one's ever seen her use it, but who can tell with a Valkyrie? She can use a spear, but prefers not to. She likes to get close to the enemy, close enough to smell the fear. She thinks war hammers and maces are for wimps. Shields are for chicken-livered boys. She wouldn't touch a distance weapon with a bargepole, and she knows how to use a bargepole. If you ever find yourself facing her, your best bet is to surrender as fast as you can, and hope she's in a good mood. Whatever happens, don't let her get those legs round you.

She rides a big dappled grey charger called Roderick. Roderick is naked except for his saddle, saddlebags and the scabbard for BloodLust. Roderick is very friendly, always hungry, and eternally optimistic about the possibility of an apple. But in spite of her horse, Diana isn't cavalry, she doesn't fight astride her horse. Technically, she's mounted infantry; the horse is for mobility to get to the battle rapidly. Once there, Diana fights on foot, as heavy infantry. She's very knowledgeable about infantry tactics, and has a fair understanding of cavalry.

Diana wears high heeled leather jackboots, with five inch spike heels. It makes walking difficult, and running impossible, but she usually rides Roderick anyway. If you've ever seen her high kick, you'll understand why she likes spike heels. She can drive that spike through chain mail, or even plate armour. She can't kick very high (see anatomical differences), but then, she says you don't need to kick a man very high up.

On her head, she wears a typical Viking horned helmet. She's perfectly well aware that Vikings didn't actually put horns on their helmets, but she thinks it suits her. Between the heels and the helmet, she amounts to six feet of femininity, but somehow she seems even bigger. The pretty blue ribbon she wears in her hair looks like silk, but it's strong nylon, and makes a great garrotte.

She wears a long skirt, because her thighs are too thick for trousers to look good on her. There's a slit all the way up each side of her skirt, because she got fed up with having to get it repaired each time she kicked someone. Also, it means she doesn't have to ride side-saddle. She tries not to let her legs show through the side slits, but as she walks, you get glimpses of those huge thighs. Are they really bigger than her waist? Ask her if you dare.

The bullwhip is wound five times round her neat waist, then the handle hangs by her left hip. Cool belt, Diana. Don't ask her how big her waist is, she's a bit sensitive about that, but the belt flatters her figure. Work it out. It's that two inch thick layer of muscle that wraps round every Valkyrie's body that makes her waist so large. That's also the reason why you shouldn't try hitting her with your bare fist. If you know geometry, you now have two ways to work out her waist size. Don't ask her for it, she won't answer you. If you don't know how to do this calculation, you aren't someone she'd be interested in. If you can't be bothered, then you aren't interested in her. Add fourteen inches to get her chest measurement, ten for her hips.

She wears a soft leather zip-up jacket. Yes, she knows the Vikings didn't have zips; they didn't have computers, either. But the soft leather moulds itself to her upper body, protecting her like supple armour, yet leaving her adequate freedom of movement. As your eyes travel upwards from her waist, you think of grapefruit, and cherries. Large cherries, maybe even strawberries. Her waist doesn't seem so big, now, by comparison. She likes to flaunt them. She says they're adequate; everyone else says they're magnificent. Don't ask her for her measurements unless you're her tailor.

You can't see her arms. Although the jacket has no sleeves, she's wearing a silk blouse, and the sleeves hide her arms. But sometimes, as she moves, you see the silk clinging to her skin, and you get the impression that you'd rather not arm-wrestle with this Valkyrie. This impression is reinforced by her intimidating trick of crushing an apple to pulp in her hand, not to mention the walnuts.

When you realise what her arms are like, your eyes slide down to her legs again. You can only speculate about what she might be hiding under that long skirt, but you do know you wouldn't want to get between her legs unless she invited you, and you were quite sure that she was feeling friendly. She claims she can crack a coconut. Walnuts, yes, but coconuts?

Her hair is dark blonde, and she changes it as often as she changes her men. Plaits, braid, bunches, coif, ponytail - whatever she feels like. But she always wears a royal blue ribbon in her hair.

Her taste in men is eclectic. Her job requires her to seek out heroes; big powerful men with huge muscles and gigantic fighting qualities. But when she's off duty, she prefers smaller, helpless men, with weak muscles and soft bodies, so she can protect them. She doesn't like stupid men, and especially admires a sharp wit and high intelligence. She isn't a virgin, unlike most Valkyries.

There's three good ways to handle a Valkyrie. The first is total and abject surrender. That usually works, but you then have to do whatever she wants. The second way is to start crying. Valkyries can't bear to see a man cry, so they start to comfort you, they can't help it. The third way is to drop to your knees, and start to lick her toes. That convinces her that you're not a threat, and she'll be gentle with you. Valkyries also like to have their belly rubbed gently, but you shouldn't do that without her permission. Stroking her bare feet with your hands works well, too. But you should always make sure that she permits you to.

Diana the Valkyrie has a very active sex life. She thinks about it constantly, and does it very frequently, very forcefully and very skilfully. She prefers the man on top, because she says it makes him feel like he's in control. Valkyries are immune to sexually transmitted diseases, which is just as well. They achieve that by using condoms.

Scientifically speaking, Valkyries are a different sub-species of Homo Erectus. The best known sub-species are Homo Neanderthalis, and of course Homo Sapiens. All of these sub-species are fully human, and can interbreed, but rarely do. The main differences between Sapiens and the Valkyries, is the Valkyrie's bigger bones (25% thicker, so 60% larger cross-section, and 60% stronger). This tougher skeletal structure supports an important difference, the displaced tendons. Valkyries' tendons attach to the bones twice as far away from the joint as Sapiens, doubling the leverage that the muscles can use. This alone would make a Valkyrie twice as strong as a Sapiens. The larger bulk of her musculature multiplies this up by another factor of two. The downside of this increased leverage, is decreased movement range - a Valkyrie can't move her arms and legs as flexibly or as fast as a Sapiens. So, for example, a Valkyrie's high kick barely gets above her waist. That's high enough, though. Also, I'm not as fast in movement as a Sapiens.

The larger bones mean that her face is broader and without the fine-boned sub-structure of a Sapiens. They also add a lot to her weight, so that 185 pounds of Valkyrie isn't as much as it sounds.

The third main anatomical difference is that two inch thick layer of muscle round the waist mentioned above; this continues above and below the waist, tapering off gradually as you move down the legs and arms. The extra two inches round the arms give a rather startling effect if she shows you her bare arms - you can see the picture in the background. The visual effect of this is of a very solid and sturdy-looking woman, yet totally feminine.

Here's Donnington on the subject:

The Valkyries are among the innumerable lesser representatives of that basic femininity, whose primary image is the Great Mother. But the Great Mother is both the Good Mother and the Terrible Mother. She is a creator and a destroyer; she is a force equally capable of transforming men so that they are born again, and of seducing them so that they are symbolically devoured. Only by running the gauntlet in some symbolic encounter with the Great Mother can men get free of her downward pull.

The Valkyries show both sides of this ambivalent character. The negative side of their legend is seen in their provoking men to war and slaughter, so that they can batten like vampires on the blood of corpses...The positive side of the Valkyrie's legend is seen in their choosing heroes slain bravely in battle for a joyful after-life in Valhalla. In that they seem to symbolize the transformation of character which may reward a sufficiently brave encounter with the mother principle...Anglo-Saxon glossaries equate them with the Greek Furies and other carriers of vengeance, conflict and madness. They are active as witches; but equally active as protectors of men caught in storms at sea. They habitually ride through thunder-clouds, but they also serve rapturously as cup-bearers and wish-maidens...

Anatomy of a Valkyrie's hand

Frequently asked questions.

Diana, are you a virgin?
No. Are you?

Are you married?
No. Are you?

Where do you live?
Valhalla, officially. But I travel a lot, mostly to battlefields, to Choose the Slain.

All the time?
Mostly I live in England, and I work in a bank, as a Corporate Deal Negotiator. Being a Valkyrie helps me a lot in that. I only go out to battlefields after big battles, and Odin doesn't like me in Valhalla much, he says I distract the warriors. So I have a flat in London.

You seems to be obsessed with weapons?
A Valkyrie has to be able to protect her men. I like edged weapons, mostly.

If I'm going to use a club, I might as well use my fists. Distance weapons are for cowards.

I thought you didn't like hurting men?
I don't. They're so sweet, mostly, and so helpless, so much in need of my protection. But sometimes I have to show them how to respect a Valkyrie, and then I try not to hurt them too much. Their egos get too big and have to be trimmed. It's like trimming your hair, really.

Can you sing?
Of course I can. I'm a contralto.

How old are you?
You aren't supposed to ask a lady her age. I'm old enough to know what to do, young enough to enjoy doing it.

Favourite colour?
Blood red is nice. I like blue ribbons in my hair.

Favourite saying?
A hard man is good to beat.

Diana, could you actually kill a man?
Mmmh, yes. It might take a few hours. Eventually.