The Way of the Warrior - How to fight
By Diana the Valkyrie
(C) Diana the Valkyrie, 1996
Fighting in cyberspace isn't really any different from any other battlefield, and the same recipe that makes a Valkyrie invincible in war, will work great online. Although this text is really aimed at Valkyries, a lot of it will work for Amazons. And I'm specifically aiming at AOL, although similar things will work on irc.
Don't lose sight of your main objective, which is to have fun. Your second objective is to give pleasure to the men you fight, and your third objective is to give the audience a good spectacle.
In the fight itself, the most important factors are intimidation and aggression. Before the battle, preparation and practice. After the battle, enjoying the fruits of victory, and learning lessons for the next fight. This text covers these six factors, plus a few more.
The purpose of intimidation is to win the battle before the fighting even starts. If your foe is sufficiently intimidated, and is convinced that he can't possibly win, then he won't try very hard. Indeed, he might surrender without a fight. But even if he doesn't surrender at once, you've sapped his will to win.
I can't emphasise enough the importance of intimidation. You should try to think up new ways to intimidate, and watch the way other people do it. You can never be too intimidating.
You can intimidate men three ways, physically, intellectually and sexually. Of course, the best intimidations are both. To physically intimidate a man, you let him see your arms or your legs, you show him how you can crush an apple in your grip, you show him how you can heel- kick your stiletto even through armour plate. Intellectual intimidation is a bit harder. What I do, is I look at his profile (if any), find out what he's an expert at, and then demonstrate my superior knowledge in *his* subject. It's surprising how often that's possible, especially if you're a Valkyrie who's been around a bit. To sexually intimidate a man, you flaunt your breasts at him, you toss your hair, you stroke the front of your thighs. If you don't know how to do this by now, I can't really help you.
To combine these, you can reach up with your arms to behind your head, which simultaneously shows off your big biceps, letting him see that his are much much smaller, and it makes your breasts more prominent.
Verbals are good, and very easy to do. Taunt his physical strength, and his sexual prowess. Laugh at his penis. Words like "limpdick" and "softprick" are good, but any kind of insult against his manliness works, men are *very* insecure about that.
A more subtle form of intimidation, is to say that you've never castrated a man, and you don't think you ever would. Or to say that you really hate hurting men, and you only do it when you're forced to. In other words, you create the possibility in his mind by your denial.
Understatement is good. Don't just say "I can smash your face in", say "Don't you think you should check my web page before you open your mouth?" A lot of them won't know how to do that, and then they look foolish.
Weapons are good for intimidation. I doubt if you can get any better than a whip; I use a 16-foot bull-whip, but if you've watched me, you'll have noticed that although I wave it around a bit, I don't actually use it on anyone. It's much more intimidating that way. I wear it round my waist as a belt, and I take it off and retie it, I fiddle with the handle (made from an important part of a bull), I might even take it off and give it a crack. They never know what might happen.
Leather clothes and boots are good, as is anything that you can borrow from the BDSM crowd, such as handcuffs and gags. You probably won't have to explain what they're for, as long as people know that you have them. "As she pulled a sandwich out of her saddle, a pair of steel handcuffs and a ball gag fell out." So you pick them up and put them back in without any explanation. Let them work it out for themselves.
A sharp knife is a good weapon to carry. Mine is called Castrator. Naturally, I would never use it to castrate a man. Horses, perhaps. What I do with it, is take it out and sharpen it, clean my fingernails, cut an apple. It doesn't matter, as long as it's visible, and intimidating.
Watching another man licking your feet is pretty intimidating. A Valkyrie will often have one of her Admirers around, and you can always ask for this small service.
Femininity is intimidating. After you've swung your sword and cracked your whip, brush your hair or put on a dab of perfume. After you've beaten a man to a pulp, kiss him gently and rock him to sleep in your arms.
Always do it in public. You can be more uninhibited in public, he can't. A public humiliation is so much more satisfying. If they want to go one- on-one, explain that it happens on *your* terms, or not at all. I find they always cave in, but if they don't, there's plenty more where he came from.
Be aggressive before the fight. Take out your sword and wave it around, even if you know you aren't going to use it. I like to take out my fighting knife, Castrator, and give it a bit of a sharpen. If you wear a whip round your waist like I do, then take it off, crack it a couple of times, then retie it.
Why wait for him to strike the first blow? Once the fight is on, go for him as hard as you can. I've won fights while my opponent was still asking plaintively about the rules. Even better, you ask about the rules, and when he says that there aren't any, go for him like a whirlwind. Don't wait around. "Twice armed is she whose cause is just, but thrice who gets her blow in first."
And once he's down, don't step back and let him get up. Get down there with him and wrap your thighs round something. It doesn't really matter what, anything a Valkyrie puts between her thighs is going to get broken. His head is a good choice, because then he can't see or hear, it feels like you're cracking his skull, and if you get the backs of your thighs against his shoulders, it simultaneously feels like you're pulling his head off. His stomach is good, except that some stomachs are simply too big to get round. But if you can, then you can rub his navel against his spine. The third main possibility is his chest. With either of the last two, you can control his breathing, but with the chest you have to be careful about breaking a rib.
It's vital to prepare, long before the battle. You never know what weapons you'll be fighting with, so keep your sword handy and your fighting knife sharp. Some people disagree about wearing armour, saying that if you fight nearly naked you get such a big advantage. The trouble with that theory, is that you might encounter a gay or misogynist, and then flaunting your assets isn't going to help you much. I prefer to compromise on this, and wear leather armour. It isn't as protective as, say, chain mail, but it's so much lighter and doesn't impede your mobility, and Thor knows, Valkyries need all the mobility they can get, because of the way our joints work. Obviously a leather jacket won't ward off a thrust with a pointed weapon, but it will help a lot against a cut with an edged weapon, and take a lot of the sting out of a blow with a blunt instrument. So I wear a zip-up leather jacket, and a long, long skirt, but very full and slit up the sides so I don't lose mobility. I wear the horned helmet, of course. I tell people it's just for effect, but the iron cap could save me from a terrible headache, and I've used the horns in the past to gore with.
I wear high heels. People think that's odd in a fighting woman, but actually it's very sensible. I'm not infantry, I'm *mounted* infantry, so I don't have to march long distances, I just ride around on Roderick. So I'm only on foot when I'm actually fighting. I've practiced this - I can drive that spike heel through plate armour. So that means you're out of action, totally. And if you don't expect this, it's a devastating surprise, and if you do expect it, then you've got four things to worry about; two arms, and two legs. So I'd recommend that to anyone.
Carry a few other weapons, you never know what you might need. My belt is actually a sixteen-foot bullwhip; I mostly use it for sexual intimidation, but at a pinch I could always use it for real. The slide I use to keep my hair in place looks like it's made of leather - well, it is, but inside it is Cat's Claw. This is a slim, sharp dagger. It's only a few inches long, but that's enough to slit a stomach or cut a throat. Sometimes I wear an attractive silver comb in my hair, or even a pair of combs. They aren't actually silver, they're stainless steel, and the teeth are *sharp*. I also like to wear a pretty blue ribbon in my hair. This is a meter long, two inches wide, made of nylon and works great as a garrote.
I usually carry a few concealed weapons as well. For obvious reasons, I won't tell you what and where.
You know you're going to be insulting and taunting your enemy. There's no reason why you should have to make them up on the spot. So, when he says something lame like "Bitch", you can come back with "If I didn't know you were incompetent, I'd have guessed you were impotent." and while he's trying to work out what that means, go on with "Your face is quite pretty. It's a pity you're a man. Or are you?". make up your own, make a long list of them, and when you need a few hurtful lines, you just trot them out.
You can also prepare other useful lines in advance, like "She swings her sword in a great arc, nearly taking off his head." and so forth.
You don't go straight into battle. First you learn, and then you practice. The best way to learn, is to watch someone good at it. If you follow me (D Valkyrie) around, for example, watch what I do (log it to a file so you can examine it later), then you'll learn one style. You can do the same trick with other people who you think have the skills you want.
Then read and re-read the battle, and learn from it. Understand what was happening, understand the strategy, understand the tactics. Try to work out who lost, and see if you can spot the exact moment they lost. Work out what the winner did that was good.
Then it's time for you first fight. Pick someone easy. A submissive male is the easiest prey, but try not to be too hard on him, and make it up to him afterwards.
Again, record it. Analyse it, as above. Work out what you should have done better.
Don't worry if you lost. Try again, only with the lessons of the last time under your belt. Maybe you need better weapons. Maybe better dialogue. Maybe faster reactions.
Enjoying the fruits of victory
The most important thing any warrior should think about, is the next battle. If you get a reputation for bad treatment of prisoners or surrendered enemies, then in future, you'll find your enemies more reluctant to surrender. So the most important thing is to be magnanimous in victory. Tell you opponent he fought well, but couldn't be expected to prevail against a Valkyrie, tell him how brave he was, make him feel good. Perhaps even give him a kiss as a consolation prize. Perhaps even more.
You might also consider adding him to your band of supporters, invite him to become one of your Protected Men, or whatever you call your Admirers Club.
You should know how to make a Grand Exit, and if you do, don't spoil it by coming back for applause. When I make a Grand Exit, I don't return for quite some time. You can get one of your Admirers Club to tell you what happened after you galloped off on your horse into the distance. To make sure of that, tell him to do it.
Lessons for the next fight.
Always be willing to learn. If you opponent did something neat, learn from it. If something you did failed, work out why, and possibly discard it.
Were you fast enough? Did you get distracted? Should you shut off interruptions, like IMs? Would it help if one of your allies distracted your opponent?
The Admirers Club
You'll find that you attract an admirers club. These will either be men you've vanquished, or else who have just decided to adore you. You should set up an admirers club for them, so that they can talk with each other, and it also gives you allies. I usually give a blue hair ribbon to my admirers, or even a blue flower, and tell then that they're now under the Protection of a Valkyrie. And I make sure they wear it, of course.
Treat the members of your admirers club nicely. Of course, nicely could mean anything, basically it means giving them something nice from time to time. "Nice" could mean a kiss, or it cold mean a good whipping, it depends on their character.
Occasionally, the spectators to the fight might get a bit rowdy. Perhaps some of them arrived in the middle of the fight, and all they can see is a woman beating up a man. I've noticed that this disturbs some people, they don't like it at all. I can't think why.
Comments I've seen from spectators often indicate that they haven't understood what is going on, or why. Sometimes, they are utterly baffled. Don't ever try to explain to them. Ignore any suggestions to do with reality and fantasy, if they want reality, they should switch off their computers.
If they don't like it, they can always move away. If they stay, it's because they're fascinated. Almost all of them stay, in my experience. Whatever happens, don't let them distract you from the fight, that's a good way to lose. Ignore their comments, don't get into an argument with spectators. Otherwise, you're in a whole different fight. If one of your Admirers Club is present, you can ask him to deal with the heckler.
Inevitably, someone will pull out a gun. It might be a revolver, a repeating shotgun or a machine gun, it doesn't matter. You deal with it the same way.
You don't call then guns, you call then "Distance weapons", because they're just another kind of weapon. Only a coward uses distance weapons. Distance weapons are for wimps who don't know how to fight, for chicken-livered limp-brains afraid to face a woman in single combat. No self-respecting Hero would use a distance weapon, they're for weaklings scared of a battle. Any fool can drop a bomb on a peasant, but it takes a Real Man to stand up and fight. And so on. You get the idea?
It works every time.
The other sorts of weapon are edged weapons (swords, daggers) and smashing weapons (clubs, maces). Of course, some weapons are a bit of both. Men find that a woman talking casually and knowlegably about weapons is a bit intimidating.
Oh, some fools want to have a political argument at that point. Well, if you like political arguments about guns, you go ahead and have one. Valkyries don't do that. Guns are for wimps, it isn't a political issue.
He might decide to run. If he does, he'll go to another room. Find the room, and go to it, using Members Find. If the room is full, then try again and again. As soon as you enter the room, remember the spectators don't know the events so far. If he runs again, chase him again. Each time you catch him, beat him some more.
Prepare your dialogue carefully. A line in an AOL room is about 70 characters, so try to keep to that.
If you've prepared some useful dialogue in advance; insults or fighting moves, dramatic entrances or exits, then you could type them in each time you use them. A much better way is to use keyboard macros. Under Windows 3, look at Macro Recorder, you can assign a whole key sequence to a single keystroke. You don't get that with Win 95, but I'm told it still works, so if you had it under Win 3, you might try it out. Under Windows NT, you might look at Keyboard Express. Under Dos, try SuperKey from Borland. Or AOL Power Tools.
(C) Diana the Valkyrie, 1996