The Way of the Warrior - trimming egos

(c) 1996, Diana the Valkyrie

I often get asked, under what circumstances is it all right for a warrior to cause pain to a weak and helpless man? And why would a Valkyrie ever hurt the men that she instinctively wants to protect?

It's the male ego, machismo, the macho thing. Sometimes it needs trimming a little.

Think of your toenails. If they got too long, then you could get ingrown toenails, painful and needing treatment. It's so much easier to keep them trimmed. From the point of view of the toenails, they're being cut off from your body. But from the point of view of the whole person, it's good for you.

Think of your hair. If it gets longer than you'd like, you get someone to trim it for you, to make you prettier. The hair is cut, but the person is better as a result.

Because of the way they are, men have to have a big ego. In prehistoric days, this was an advantage, like strong fingernails. A big ego meant that they would have sex with more women, and so father more children. So humans evolved.

Today, though, an oversized ego can be a problem, getting a man into all sorts of trouble, and making him a less nice person to know. So it's for his own good that you trim it. If left to grow, after a while it gets so big he won't be able to get through his front door.

So how do you trim it back to a proper size? In less severe cases of overgrown ego, simple verbals will work. Just tell him he's an asshole (or arsehole, if you're in the UK) and that his little soft dick isn't of great interest to anyone except himself, that sort of thing. But in the more advanced cases, you might have to administer a little physical pain. Just enough.

The best way to do this, I find, is to wrestle with him. Boxing is no good, it's too violent. You can really do some damage with your fists, and that isn't the objective. And the best way to deal with the oversized ego problem, is to get him between your thighs and give him a good firm squeeze.

Not his head, because if you go over the top, you might hear that horrid CRACK that means you'll be spending simply hours getting blood and brains off your clothes. And not his chest, because those ribs don't always bend, sometimes they break, without warning. No, the best place is round his waist. Wrap your thighs round his waist, link your ankles, and straighten your legs.

He might try to flail around with his arms. If he does, I find that the easiest thing to do, to stop him hurting himself, is to put him in a full nelson. That controls his arms nicely, but don't press down too hard or you might damage his neck. The objective here isn't to tear him apart, just to trim his ego a little.

So you sit behind him, your legs round his waist, your arms holding him still in the full nelson. Then it's really a matter of how much force should you exert with your thighs, how hard do you crush him. And the trouble is, I can't really advise on this, different men need different amounts of force, it partly depends on whether they have any muscle in that area or whether it's all flab.

So start off gently, and gradually increase the pressure. Make sure that he understands that he'll have to submit sooner or later, it's only a question of when. Make the pressure increase gradual and steady. You can do this by slowly straightening your legs, then the leverage makes your thighs act like a nutcracker.

The way it works then, is like magic. The bigger his ego, the longer he'll hold out, and the more he'll get hurt. A man with a nice small ego will submit right away, understanding that he's in an impossible position. But a man with an ego as big as all outdoors, will refuse to submit, on account of it's a woman's legs round him. So he'll suffer accordingly.

If his ego is so big that he grits his teeth and passes out rather than submit, all you have to do is wait until he regains consciousness, and take him round the cycle again. And when he comes round the second time, do it again. For you, each time it gets easier, because his resistance crumbles to nothing. For him, each time is worse than the previous time, because he knows what's coming. And eventually, he'll figure out that you can deliver just as much pain as he can take, plus a little more, and he'll submit.

As soon as he surrenders, turn him round and pull him into your arms, and give him a very gentle and tender cuddle. If he's crying, wipe his eyes and blow his nose. Tell him you're not going to hurt him any more, he's a good chap really. Hold him until he's pretty much recovered, and tell him that you only did it for his own good, because his ego was getting a bit bloated, but he'll be all right now that you've trimmed it.

Diana the Valkyrie